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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll

Facebook has suspended an application that allows its members to create polls after a user, who is now being investigated by the Secret Service, posed the question "Should Obama be killed?" What do you think?
  • "Come back to Friendster. You can threaten the president there all you want."

    Nikki Frattalli Adjudicator
  • "What's the big deal? I understand there is a parallel piece of legislation on the floor of the Texas Legislature."

    Hal Gruber Systems Analyst
  • "I hope the higher-ups in the Secret Service check my profile. I clicked 'No.'"

    Mike Fitzpatrick Security System Installer

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