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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Secret Service Investigating Facebook Poll

Facebook has suspended an application that allows its members to create polls after a user, who is now being investigated by the Secret Service, posed the question "Should Obama be killed?" What do you think?
  • "Come back to Friendster. You can threaten the president there all you want."

    Nikki Frattalli Adjudicator
  • "What's the big deal? I understand there is a parallel piece of legislation on the floor of the Texas Legislature."

    Hal Gruber Systems Analyst
  • "I hope the higher-ups in the Secret Service check my profile. I clicked 'No.'"

    Mike Fitzpatrick Security System Installer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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