Secret Service Under The Gun

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Vol 33 Issue 25

Hero Lawyer Uses Technicality To Free Guilty Man

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Kenneth Michael Rafferty was set free Tuesday thanks to the heroism of attorney Morgan Schechter, who discovered a loophole in California arraignment procedure that made Rafferty's July 20 sentencing for armed robbery invalid. "I owe my freedom to Morgan Schechter," a teary-eyed Rafferty told reporters following his release. "If not for him, I would be facing the prospect of 30 years in prison for a crime I did commit."

Man Takes Free Thing He Doesn't Want

MESA, AZ—Despite a complete lack of interest in skin moisturization, area electrician Drew Shymanski took a complimentary six-ounce sample bottle of new Pond's Extra-Soft moisturizing lotion from a company representative while walking home Monday. "I don't know, it was free," Shymanski said of the no-obligation sample. Upon returning home, Shymanski put the lotion in his bathroom cabinet, where it will remain unopened for seven years.

Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of other Americans. "Between the criminal element, salesmen, religious zealots, alcoholics, minorities, immigrants, fast-driving teens, employers and panhandlers, a total of 49 in 50 Americans present a fearsome image to the vast majority of their fellow citizens," the report read. Newborn babies, the elderly and the infirm are believed to comprise the non-feared 2 percent.

A Day At The Senior Center

Last Thursday, I woke to discover enormous clothes-moths flapping about my bed-chamber. Horrified, I screamed for Standish, who valiantly tried to slay the winged brutes with a can of Flit. It was soon determined that other rooms were similarly besieged with moths, and that the entire mansion had to be evacuated for fumigation.

Sometimes I Think I Have ESP!

I don't know about you, but I've always been tempted to call one of those psychic phone lines. After all, who wouldn't want to know what's going to happen to them in the future? (But then I made a prediction of my own: If hubby Rick saw all those 900 numbers on our next phone bill, my own future would be pretty brief!)
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holiday

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Secret Service Under The Gun

In a move many fear will jeopardize future presidential security, independent counsel Kenneth Starr has subpoenaed Secret Service personnel to testify before the Monica Lewinsky grand jury. What do you think about the Secret Service breaking its code of presidential silence?
  • "We should be worrying about health care and the economy, not whether the president had sex with some Secret Service agents."

    Gilbert Morris
    Teacher
  • "I feel they definitely should protect the Secret Sauce. If that got out, Lord knows what would happen."

    Eileen Simms
    Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "I think the Secret Service should be called to testify about the activities of former president Carter. God knows what hideous things go on down there in Plains, GA."

    Richard Bavaro
    Systems Analyst
  • "Believe me—the Secret Service isn't telling everything they know, man. I've read enough Robert Anton Wilson to know that much."

    Duane Banks
    Landscaper
  • "People say making them testify will compromise the president's safety, or even national security. But to hell with that: We need to know if President Clinton had naughty sex."

    Vanessa McConkey
    Caterer
  • "I was talkin' with this one Secret Service guy at a rally for Charles Palantine, and he really understood me. He understood how much we need a real rain to wash all the scum off the streets."

    Randall Taylor
    Electrician
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