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Secret Service Under The Gun

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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Secret Service Under The Gun

In a move many fear will jeopardize future presidential security, independent counsel Kenneth Starr has subpoenaed Secret Service personnel to testify before the Monica Lewinsky grand jury. What do you think about the Secret Service breaking its code of presidential silence?
  • "We should be worrying about health care and the economy, not whether the president had sex with some Secret Service agents."

    Gilbert Morris Teacher
  • "I feel they definitely should protect the Secret Sauce. If that got out, Lord knows what would happen."

    Eileen Simms Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "I think the Secret Service should be called to testify about the activities of former president Carter. God knows what hideous things go on down there in Plains, GA."

    Richard Bavaro Systems Analyst
  • "Believe me—the Secret Service isn't telling everything they know, man. I've read enough Robert Anton Wilson to know that much."

    Duane Banks Landscaper
  • "People say making them testify will compromise the president's safety, or even national security. But to hell with that: We need to know if President Clinton had naughty sex."

    Vanessa McConkey Caterer
  • "I was talkin' with this one Secret Service guy at a rally for Charles Palantine, and he really understood me. He understood how much we need a real rain to wash all the scum off the streets."

    Randall Taylor Electrician

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