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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Security Experts Warn Against Smart Appliances

Experts at a cybersecurity summit in London warned consumers this week against the proliferation of “smart” home appliances such as refrigerators and toasters, explaining that this unregulated access to one’s personal information could be a target for hackers. What do you think?

  • “Do they really expect me not to buy a toaster that remembers my name?”

    Garrett Buting Threat Processor
  • “I just feel safer limiting the internet to my phone, computer, tablet, TV, three game consoles, and my car.”

    Casey Holdridge Systems Analyst
  • “Hey, I spent thousands of dollars on all these high-tech kitchen appliances, so don’t worry about me. I know what I’m doing.”

    Rich Beyers Profanity Monitor

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