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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Security Experts Warn Against Smart Appliances

Experts at a cybersecurity summit in London warned consumers this week against the proliferation of “smart” home appliances such as refrigerators and toasters, explaining that this unregulated access to one’s personal information could be a target for hackers. What do you think?

  • “Do they really expect me not to buy a toaster that remembers my name?”

    Garrett Buting Threat Processor
  • “I just feel safer limiting the internet to my phone, computer, tablet, TV, three game consoles, and my car.”

    Casey Holdridge Systems Analyst
  • “Hey, I spent thousands of dollars on all these high-tech kitchen appliances, so don’t worry about me. I know what I’m doing.”

    Rich Beyers Profanity Monitor

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