Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

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Cake Just Sitting There

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CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

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SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

A test of the reservoir that supplies drinking water for New York city turned up traces of numerous drugs, including caffeine, hormones, and sedatives. What do you think?
  • "New York tap water is the healthiest around. It cures my headaches and regulates my periods."

    Monique Rennebohm Systems Analyst
  • "That wasn't intentional? I thought it was just another one of Bloomberg's innovative social-control initiatives."

    Len Berman Appliance Salesman
  • "Oh, gosh. I hope they never run a test on Mountain Dew Code Red. I'd rather just not know."

    Peter Mattioli Forklift Operator


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