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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

A test of the reservoir that supplies drinking water for New York city turned up traces of numerous drugs, including caffeine, hormones, and sedatives. What do you think?
  • "New York tap water is the healthiest around. It cures my headaches and regulates my periods."

    Monique Rennebohm Systems Analyst
  • "That wasn't intentional? I thought it was just another one of Bloomberg's innovative social-control initiatives."

    Len Berman Appliance Salesman
  • "Oh, gosh. I hope they never run a test on Mountain Dew Code Red. I'd rather just not know."

    Peter Mattioli Forklift Operator
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