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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Seinfeld's Return

Nine years after his eponymous television show went off the air, Jerry Seinfeld is making a splash with his new film Bee Movie. What do you think?
  • "Jerry Seinfeld may be passé but, fortunately for this movie, bees are always relevant."

    Shira Chernikof Horticulturalist
  • "I've always wanted to see how Jerry Seinfeld would poke fun at the everyday foibles of pollination, nest construction, and wax excretion."

    Jake Riley Deli Worker
  • "Remember the Seinfeld episode about b.o.? Or the one when Jerry rides first-class and Elaine is in coach? Or the one where they're waiting in the Chinese restaurant? Or the 'contest?'"

    David Trebach Systems Analyst
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