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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was found guilty of ethics violations for not reporting expensive gifts, including $250,000 worth of home improvements from the owner of an oil-services company. What do you think?
  • "It used to be you could bribe an Alaskan senator with just $10,000—and still have enough left for a licorice chew and an opera ticket."

    Cynthia LaBelle Real Estate Magnate
  • "Christ, can't our Alaskocentric media focus on something else besides Alaska?"

    Tim Garland Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, is reporting expensive gifts something we are supposed to be doing? Darrick and Ann, those porcelain sauce bowls I got you for your wedding? ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. For two sauce bowls. Happy now?"

    Joseph Parton Business Supplies Salesman

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