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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was found guilty of ethics violations for not reporting expensive gifts, including $250,000 worth of home improvements from the owner of an oil-services company. What do you think?
  • "It used to be you could bribe an Alaskan senator with just $10,000—and still have enough left for a licorice chew and an opera ticket."

    Cynthia LaBelle Real Estate Magnate
  • "Christ, can't our Alaskocentric media focus on something else besides Alaska?"

    Tim Garland Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, is reporting expensive gifts something we are supposed to be doing? Darrick and Ann, those porcelain sauce bowls I got you for your wedding? ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. For two sauce bowls. Happy now?"

    Joseph Parton Business Supplies Salesman

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