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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Senate Agrees To Background Checks For Most Gun Buyers

Members of the Senate reached a bipartisan agreement yesterday to require background checks for buyers in nearly all gun purchases, though firearms sales within families or between friends would still be exempt from the requirement. What do you think?

  • “Are you telling me that if a psycho wants a gun he’ll have to go through the slight inconvenience of having to buy it from a friend?”

    Shelly Albeiz Fitting Room Supervisor
  • “Well, what if I befriend a gun store owner, and then what if the friendship becomes more important to either of us than the gun I was trying to buy? Wouldn’t that be great?”

    Dino Dimuro Unemployed
  • “Ain’t gonna stop Darryl.”

    Maurice Molitor Potato Chip Fryer

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