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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Senate Agrees To Background Checks For Most Gun Buyers

Members of the Senate reached a bipartisan agreement yesterday to require background checks for buyers in nearly all gun purchases, though firearms sales within families or between friends would still be exempt from the requirement. What do you think?

  • “Are you telling me that if a psycho wants a gun he’ll have to go through the slight inconvenience of having to buy it from a friend?”

    Shelly Albeiz Fitting Room Supervisor
  • “Well, what if I befriend a gun store owner, and then what if the friendship becomes more important to either of us than the gun I was trying to buy? Wouldn’t that be great?”

    Dino Dimuro Unemployed
  • “Ain’t gonna stop Darryl.”

    Maurice Molitor Potato Chip Fryer

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