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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Senate Approves Jobless Benefits Extension

Following an appointment to fill the seat of the recently deceased Robert Byrd, Senate Democrats have staved off a Republican filibuster and are set to extend unemployment benefits. What do you think?

  • "Honestly, if people are still unemployed, they really should just talk to their friends' dads. Friends' dads always have some sort of job for you."

    J.J. Reininger Sales Planner
  • "Awesome! I've been saving up my unemployment for this kick-ass 1962 Les Paul ever since I got laid off in early ’08."

    Matt Brown Purchasing Specialist
  • "I can think of no more fitting tribute to the late senator than this, a vicious party-line vote."

    Carrie Tong Cash Accountant

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