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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Senate Blocks All Gun Control Measures

In spite of a bipartisan compromise to impose background checks for nearly all sales of firearms, the Senate failed to reach the 60-vote threshold needed to defeat a filibuster yesterday, effectively ending the federal push for gun control. What do you think?

  • “This is crazy. It’s almost as if some organization is paying them not to pass this bill.”

    Bonnie Lazarus Systems Analyst
  • “As a politician, you can’t just do whatever’s popular, pragmatic, and necessary.”

    Bart Haagensen Riveter
  • “They waited too long. Last month, all you heard was ‘Gun control! Gun control!’ Now it’s just, ‘Star Trek trailer! Star Trek trailer!’”

    Jay Stratton Gas Station Attendant

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