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Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape

During a debate last night, Richard Mourdock, a Tea Party–backed Republican Senate candidate from Indiana, said that instances of impregnation due to rape are “something that God intended to happen.” What do you think?

  • “Typical mainstream media, reporting on a Republican’s extremely offensive quote just because the guy said it.”

    Sven Bauer Veterinary Assistant
  • “That’s insulting. Everyone knows that God’s ideal method of impregnation is two consenting adults too drunk to care about using a condom.”

    Juliet Kozak Systems Analyst
  • “Boy, if we Republicans want to win this election, we have got to stop saying what we believe.”

    George Bucossi Sandstone Splitter

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