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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Senate Candidate: 'God Intended' Pregnancies From Rape

During a debate last night, Richard Mourdock, a Tea Party–backed Republican Senate candidate from Indiana, said that instances of impregnation due to rape are “something that God intended to happen.” What do you think?

  • “Typical mainstream media, reporting on a Republican’s extremely offensive quote just because the guy said it.”

    Sven Bauer Veterinary Assistant
  • “That’s insulting. Everyone knows that God’s ideal method of impregnation is two consenting adults too drunk to care about using a condom.”

    Juliet Kozak Systems Analyst
  • “Boy, if we Republicans want to win this election, we have got to stop saying what we believe.”

    George Bucossi Sandstone Splitter

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