Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republicans. What do you think?

  • “The House is going to block it? Whew, for a second there I thought the system was going to function effectively and without gridlock.”

    Vance Causey Fruit Distributor
  • “If this does pass, I can already picture illegal immigrants’ smiling faces the day they finally become legal. And boy, do they look old.”

    Keith Shannon Humidifier Attendant
  • “Wait, so one house passed it, but now another one has to approve it? Jesus, exactly how many legislative chambers are there?”

    Carolyn Badinski Systems Analyst


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close