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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Send In The Ground Troops

With air attacks proving ineffective against the Serbs, the possibility of sending ground troops into Kosovo is being discussed. What do you think about such a prospect?
  • "Ground troops? Didn't we already bomb the hell out of that country? I swear, we just give and give and give..."

    Bob Hegan Financial Planner
  • "With all the incredible military technology at America's disposal, there's no excuse for us not to create a lasting peace in the Balkans."

    Phyllis Holtzman Homemaker
  • "As a member of the U.S. Army Reserves, I have just one thing to say: 'Oh, shit.'"

    Ross Segui Barber
  • "Well, I can certainly understand why the Serbs are so aggressively nationalistic. Ever seen Yugoslavia? It's gorgeous."

    Lynette Tenace Speech Pathologist
  • "I hear that Serb guy is the new Hitler. Of course, I can't remember why or what his name is, but the important part is 'Hitler.'"

    Ike Bando Systems Analyst
  • "Those Albanian refugees, camping on hillsides in groups of 20,000, living in their own feces with no food or water... It reminds me of when I followed the Dead back in '89. Keep on truckin', Kosovars!"

    Rich Klimkowski Sales Representative

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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