Send In The Ground Troops

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Send In The Ground Troops

With air attacks proving ineffective against the Serbs, the possibility of sending ground troops into Kosovo is being discussed. What do you think about such a prospect?
  • "Ground troops? Didn't we already bomb the hell out of that country? I swear, we just give and give and give..."

    Bob Hegan Financial Planner
  • "With all the incredible military technology at America's disposal, there's no excuse for us not to create a lasting peace in the Balkans."

    Phyllis Holtzman Homemaker
  • "As a member of the U.S. Army Reserves, I have just one thing to say: 'Oh, shit.'"

    Ross Segui Barber
  • "Well, I can certainly understand why the Serbs are so aggressively nationalistic. Ever seen Yugoslavia? It's gorgeous."

    Lynette Tenace Speech Pathologist
  • "I hear that Serb guy is the new Hitler. Of course, I can't remember why or what his name is, but the important part is 'Hitler.'"

    Ike Bando Systems Analyst
  • "Those Albanian refugees, camping on hillsides in groups of 20,000, living in their own feces with no food or water... It reminds me of when I followed the Dead back in '89. Keep on truckin', Kosovars!"

    Rich Klimkowski Sales Representative

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