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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

The Red Cross and other aid groups are under fire for giving only a portion of the billions that have poured in since Sept. 11 to the attacks' victims. What do you think?
  • "Hey, I felt great when I gave that money. Isn't that all that matters?"

    Leslie Gottfried Sales Associate
  • "See? That's why giving actual money to a charity is a bad idea. I donated 10 tennis lessons instead."

    Andrew Dillon Tennis Pro
  • "I recently donated to a Sept. 11 online charity and was afraid the money wouldn't all go to the victims. But the folks at savinpeopleandshit.com assured me it would."

    Don Matthius Office Manager
  • "All I can say is, if the money I gave goes to some Indian kid orphaned by a monsoon instead of a Sept. 11 victim, I'm gonna be fuckin' pissed."

    Barb Rocket Painter
  • "This is why I don't trust the Red Cross. From now on, anyone who needs blood can come straight to me."

    Richard Risley Lawyer
  • "Well, these vague accusations and rumors seal it: I'm never donating to a charity again."

    Marcus Murphy Systems Analyst

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