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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

The Red Cross and other aid groups are under fire for giving only a portion of the billions that have poured in since Sept. 11 to the attacks' victims. What do you think?
  • "Hey, I felt great when I gave that money. Isn't that all that matters?"

    Leslie Gottfried Sales Associate
  • "See? That's why giving actual money to a charity is a bad idea. I donated 10 tennis lessons instead."

    Andrew Dillon Tennis Pro
  • "I recently donated to a Sept. 11 online charity and was afraid the money wouldn't all go to the victims. But the folks at savinpeopleandshit.com assured me it would."

    Don Matthius Office Manager
  • "All I can say is, if the money I gave goes to some Indian kid orphaned by a monsoon instead of a Sept. 11 victim, I'm gonna be fuckin' pissed."

    Barb Rocket Painter
  • "This is why I don't trust the Red Cross. From now on, anyone who needs blood can come straight to me."

    Richard Risley Lawyer
  • "Well, these vague accusations and rumors seal it: I'm never donating to a charity again."

    Marcus Murphy Systems Analyst
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