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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Serena Williams Pregnant

After posing a Snapchat announcement and then quickly deleting it, tennis star Serena Williams has confirmed she is pregnant. What do you think?

  • “I hate when I’m forced to think of an athlete as anything more than an optimally functional sports-playing machine.”

    Vinnie Ross Lobster Prepper
  • “Next time my wife whines about a difficult pregnancy, I’ll tell her to win a Grand Slam in the first trimester.”

    Aleks Stavros Retired Muse
  • “I can’t wait to see what Serena’s children will be forced to excel at!”

    Tori Bava Bean Sheller

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