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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do you think?
  • "It makes me so mad to think that those little bastards are probably enjoying the hell out of themselves as they destroy all my corn."

    Andrea Lingel Farmer
  • "And all this time I thought locust plagues were sent by a vengeful and jealous God. Once again I have been delivered from the dark recesses of ignorance. Praise Jesus!"

    Justin Hall Personal Assistant
  • "You know, this makes sense. My buddy Craig seems pretty happy, and he's always surrounded by thousands of locusts."

    Erik Poole Systems Analyst
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