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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do you think?
  • "It makes me so mad to think that those little bastards are probably enjoying the hell out of themselves as they destroy all my corn."

    Andrea Lingel Farmer
  • "And all this time I thought locust plagues were sent by a vengeful and jealous God. Once again I have been delivered from the dark recesses of ignorance. Praise Jesus!"

    Justin Hall Personal Assistant
  • "You know, this makes sense. My buddy Craig seems pretty happy, and he's always surrounded by thousands of locusts."

    Erik Poole Systems Analyst

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