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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Sesame Street Moves To HBO

The 46th season of Sesame Street has moved from PBS to HBO and features notable format changes, such as shortening episodes to 30 minutes and designing a more upscale urban set, as well as having Oscar the Grouch live in a recycling bin rather than a garbage can. What do you think?

  • “Look, they’ve got to keep up with the times. Not as many people are living inside garbage cans these days.”

    Noah Purcell Cheese Developer
  • “At the very least, I’m proud of the residents of Sesame Street for holding out this long.”

    Claire Finnegan Sprinkle Sizer
  • “Maybe Stephen Hawking can master the alphabet in 30 minutes a day, but not my kid.”

    Karl Ebbers Jingle Producer

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