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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Ted this past summer, has been chosen to host the 85th Academy Awards in February. What do you think?

  • “Great! I hope he does his funny voices for four hours.”

    Frankie Hagans Radiologist
  • “Anytime the Oscars try to go young and hip, you know what inevitably happens: The show manages to somehow just get cooler.”

    Brenda Scarano Gold Plater
  • “Seth MacFarlane hosting the Oscars? This will be a bigger disaster than the time Luke Skywalker and Chef Boyardee had to give Alf a sponge bath!”

    Willie Swan Shoe Repairer

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