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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Seth MacFarlane To Host Oscars

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who wrote, directed, and starred in the movie Ted this past summer, has been chosen to host the 85th Academy Awards in February. What do you think?

  • “Great! I hope he does his funny voices for four hours.”

    Frankie Hagans Radiologist
  • “Anytime the Oscars try to go young and hip, you know what inevitably happens: The show manages to somehow just get cooler.”

    Brenda Scarano Gold Plater
  • “Seth MacFarlane hosting the Oscars? This will be a bigger disaster than the time Luke Skywalker and Chef Boyardee had to give Alf a sponge bath!”

    Willie Swan Shoe Repairer

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