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Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

Proposed legislation in New York would protect underage Internet users by creating an email registry of convicted sex offenders. What do you think?
  • "Don't they already have ways to distinguish sex offenders online? Isn't that what the winking emoticon is for?"

    Spencer Rimmer Pollster
  • "Underage kids shouldn't be on the Internet. They should be outside, enjoying fresh air, and getting into stranger's vans."

    Ben Birtwistle Show Salesperson
  • "But can't sex offenders just get new e-mail addresses? Nah, I'm probably just overthinking this."

    Lucy Pritchard Jewelry Cleaner

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