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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

Proposed legislation in New York would protect underage Internet users by creating an email registry of convicted sex offenders. What do you think?
  • "Don't they already have ways to distinguish sex offenders online? Isn't that what the winking emoticon is for?"

    Spencer Rimmer Pollster
  • "Underage kids shouldn't be on the Internet. They should be outside, enjoying fresh air, and getting into stranger's vans."

    Ben Birtwistle Show Salesperson
  • "But can't sex offenders just get new e-mail addresses? Nah, I'm probably just overthinking this."

    Lucy Pritchard Jewelry Cleaner
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