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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

The Sex Pistols are refusing to play at the ceremony during which they will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you think?
  • "Well then who the hell is going to hit me in the face with a bass guitar and spit on me? I paid over two grand for this ticket!"

    Melissa Okey Systems Analyst
  • "I should hope not. Steve Jones is scheduled to be my bridge partner that night."

    Michael King Dog Trainer
  • "Refusing to attend a black-tie gala is the new Anarchy."

    Brandon Burkhart Waiter

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