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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens

A new study found that teenagers who listen to sexually explicit lyrics are more likely to engage in sexual activity at an early age. What do you think?
  • "That's a bunch of bullshit. I spent my whole youth listening to 'Too Short' and didn't get laid till I was 27."

    Amy Herman Payroll specialist
  • "During my teens, when I saw an attractive woman, I didn't need a popular song to tell me she should back that ass up."

    Jesse Hughes Systems Analyst
  • "That makes me wish that my parents had let me listen to something other than music about hog farms, growing up on hog farms, and taking over your family's hog farm."

    Wade Barunohler Hog Farmer

After Birth

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