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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Shark Gives Virgin Birth

A captive hammerhead shark recently gave birth to a pup without the presence of a male. What do you think?
  • "Jesus is a SHARK?!"

    Lee Pryor Radio Engineer
  • "I am left in awe at the wonders of nature. No wait, not awe. Abject terror. Yes, that's it, abject terror."

    Nelly Perrin Teacher's Aide
  • "Maureen Dowd will be relieved: It turns out men aren't necessary. If you are a hammerhead shark, that is."

    José Manteca Dry Cleaner

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