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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Shark Gives Virgin Birth

A captive hammerhead shark recently gave birth to a pup without the presence of a male. What do you think?
  • "Jesus is a SHARK?!"

    Lee Pryor Radio Engineer
  • "I am left in awe at the wonders of nature. No wait, not awe. Abject terror. Yes, that's it, abject terror."

    Nelly Perrin Teacher's Aide
  • "Maureen Dowd will be relieved: It turns out men aren't necessary. If you are a hammerhead shark, that is."

    José Manteca Dry Cleaner
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