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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sharper Image's Dull Financial Prospects

High-end gadget retailer The Sharper Image filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?
  • "Thankfully, if any company can weather this kind of storm, it's the one that sells $200 umbrellas."

    Karl Ryssdal Back Hoe Operator
  • "What am I supposed to spend my economic stimulus check on if not a vibrating recliner with cup holders?"

    Jenny Babbin Cashier
  • "Never in a million years did I think the American consumer would lose its hunger for expensive, useless products.

    Jack Dimsdale Systems Analyst

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