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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Shirley Temple Dies At 85

Shirley Temple Black, one of the most famous child stars in Hollywood history who was featured in dozens of Depression-era films and later built a political career as a delegate to the United Nations and ambassador to Ghana, died yesterday at age 85. What do you think?

  • “Let me get this straight: Shirley Temple Black—the former ambassador to Ghana—used to be a child star?”

    Brian Walker Water Cooler Installer
  • “She’ll live on as the perfect role model for all us stage moms prematurely pushing our daughters into show business.”

    Cynthia Roberts Unemployed
  • “Shirley Temple Black? I didn’t know she got married. Good for her!”

    Declan Butler Assistant Professor
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