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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Should Arafat Be Removed?

Many see Palestinian President Yasser Arafat as a roadblock to Mideast peace. What do you think?
  • "Arafat needs to be taught a lesson he'll never survive to forget."

    Scot Armstrong Systems Analyst
  • "These brutish Palestinians need to learn that democracy is about choosing a leader who can speak for all Americans."

    James Eason Lawyer
  • "Hey, there's nothing like martyring a leader to calm the Palestinian extremists."

    Jason Mantzoukas Deliveryman
  • "Arafat should get out of politics. It would give him time to focus on his Baby AraPhat line of Palestinian urban wear."

    Jon Daly Waiter
  • "Arafat should be replaced with someone younger and cuter, like that dreamy Hamas hunk Hafiz Mahmet al-Bahri. Oh, he was assassinated?"

    Tara Copeland Legal Assistant
  • "The question is not 'Should Arafat leave Israel?' The question is 'Why hasn't everybody left Israel?'"

    Christine Walters Loan Counselor

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