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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Should Car Phones Be Banned?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think?
  • "I couldn't concentrate on the road if I was yakking on the horn. It's distracting enough having my secretary blow me on those cross-town commutes."

    Greg Masters Veterinarian
  • "Car phones? Oh, trés passé! Everybody who's anybody communicates via car fax."

    Tad Herman Roofer
  • "I have no need for cars or phones, for I am a mollusk."

    Bob Dwyer Building Contractor
  • "Having a phone in the car has made it so much easier to swerve."

    Helen Holt Systems Analyst
  • "Talking on the phone while driving is an accident waiting to happen, so I just sit in the garage all day, waiting for calls."

    Lynette Eggert Chiropractor
  • "Car phone or no car phone, one thing is certain—I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!"

    Rick Nielsen Carpenter

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