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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?
  • "War is bad for little children and other living things. No, that's not my opinion, it's just something I did a hook-rug of once. By all means, bomb, bomb, bomb."

    Randi Chester Manicurist
  • "If we have all those extra soldiers, we may as well use some of them up."

    Kip Fraschilla Systems Analyst
  • "This grave international crisis makes me want to shout 'U.S.A.' thrice."

    Max Rudolph Landscaper
  • "With the Olympics over, I desperately need a new outlet for my rampant jingoism."

    Gina Barlow Science Teacher
  • "Before the U.S. resorts to bombing Iraq, we should make sure we've fully explored all other possible options, such as raping their women."

    Tyler Welles Tour Guide
  • "Remember back when Iran was bad, and Iraq was good? That was, like, weird."

    Ronald Potts Temp Worker

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