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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?
  • "War is bad for little children and other living things. No, that's not my opinion, it's just something I did a hook-rug of once. By all means, bomb, bomb, bomb."

    Randi Chester Manicurist
  • "If we have all those extra soldiers, we may as well use some of them up."

    Kip Fraschilla Systems Analyst
  • "This grave international crisis makes me want to shout 'U.S.A.' thrice."

    Max Rudolph Landscaper
  • "With the Olympics over, I desperately need a new outlet for my rampant jingoism."

    Gina Barlow Science Teacher
  • "Before the U.S. resorts to bombing Iraq, we should make sure we've fully explored all other possible options, such as raping their women."

    Tyler Welles Tour Guide
  • "Remember back when Iran was bad, and Iraq was good? That was, like, weird."

    Ronald Potts Temp Worker

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