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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?
  • "War is bad for little children and other living things. No, that's not my opinion, it's just something I did a hook-rug of once. By all means, bomb, bomb, bomb."

    Randi Chester Manicurist
  • "If we have all those extra soldiers, we may as well use some of them up."

    Kip Fraschilla Systems Analyst
  • "This grave international crisis makes me want to shout 'U.S.A.' thrice."

    Max Rudolph Landscaper
  • "With the Olympics over, I desperately need a new outlet for my rampant jingoism."

    Gina Barlow Science Teacher
  • "Before the U.S. resorts to bombing Iraq, we should make sure we've fully explored all other possible options, such as raping their women."

    Tyler Welles Tour Guide
  • "Remember back when Iran was bad, and Iraq was good? That was, like, weird."

    Ronald Potts Temp Worker
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