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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?
  • "War is bad for little children and other living things. No, that's not my opinion, it's just something I did a hook-rug of once. By all means, bomb, bomb, bomb."

    Randi Chester Manicurist
  • "If we have all those extra soldiers, we may as well use some of them up."

    Kip Fraschilla Systems Analyst
  • "This grave international crisis makes me want to shout 'U.S.A.' thrice."

    Max Rudolph Landscaper
  • "With the Olympics over, I desperately need a new outlet for my rampant jingoism."

    Gina Barlow Science Teacher
  • "Before the U.S. resorts to bombing Iraq, we should make sure we've fully explored all other possible options, such as raping their women."

    Tyler Welles Tour Guide
  • "Remember back when Iran was bad, and Iraq was good? That was, like, weird."

    Ronald Potts Temp Worker

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