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Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force" to restore stability in the region. What do you think?
  • "Why should we risk our soldiers' lives when Haiti could simply raise a voodoo army of the dead and protect themselves?"

    Daniel Young Engineer
  • "Haiti's really small. Why don't we send that 'Army Of One' I keep hearing about on television?"

    Kathleen Scott Auditing Clerk
  • "These Haitians should not be asking what America can do for them, but what they can do for America."

    Scott Lopez Fabricator
  • "I spent a week in Tahiti with this shorty I was banging last year. I know it's a different country, but I wanted people to know I was banging a shorty as recently as a year ago."

    Timothy Franks Laborer
  • "Last time I checked, the Haitians were doing a pretty good job of shooting the place up on their own."

    Andrew Hill Systems Analyst
  • "God helps countries that help themselves."

    Brenda Walker Talent Director

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