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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force" to restore stability in the region. What do you think?
  • "Why should we risk our soldiers' lives when Haiti could simply raise a voodoo army of the dead and protect themselves?"

    Daniel Young Engineer
  • "Haiti's really small. Why don't we send that 'Army Of One' I keep hearing about on television?"

    Kathleen Scott Auditing Clerk
  • "These Haitians should not be asking what America can do for them, but what they can do for America."

    Scott Lopez Fabricator
  • "I spent a week in Tahiti with this shorty I was banging last year. I know it's a different country, but I wanted people to know I was banging a shorty as recently as a year ago."

    Timothy Franks Laborer
  • "Last time I checked, the Haitians were doing a pretty good job of shooting the place up on their own."

    Andrew Hill Systems Analyst
  • "God helps countries that help themselves."

    Brenda Walker Talent Director

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