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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet

A survey of computer viruses and malware attacks found Sierra Leone was the safest place in the world to surf the web. What do you think?

  • "The other feather in their cap is their rise to 145th in life expectancy."

    Carter Wise Ice Skating Instructor
  • "It may not win me a lot of social approval, but my blood Office software runs like a dream."

    Quinn Aaronson Store Manager
  • "If I have to go there to check my e-mail, then so be it. Which bus do I take?"

    Javier Bell Unemployed

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