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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Signs Of Dinosaur ‘Foreplay’ Discovered

Paleontologists in Colorado have found scratch patterns left by dinosaurs that appear to be nest-building maneuvers, but because no evidence of nesting was found at the site, scientists hypothesize these marks were in fact part of the males’ mating ritual to entice females to build nests with them. What do you think?

  • “This completely changes how I picture dinosaur sex.”

    Damian Nix Water Marketer
  • “If only we’d learned this in time for Jurassic World to include a climactic dirt-scratching scene!”

    Rick Swanson Gaffer
  • “Weird. Trilobites always seemed more like the settling-down type to me.”

    Cora Schiff Prayer Copywriter
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