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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Signs Of Dinosaur ‘Foreplay’ Discovered

Paleontologists in Colorado have found scratch patterns left by dinosaurs that appear to be nest-building maneuvers, but because no evidence of nesting was found at the site, scientists hypothesize these marks were in fact part of the males’ mating ritual to entice females to build nests with them. What do you think?

  • “This completely changes how I picture dinosaur sex.”

    Damian Nix Water Marketer
  • “If only we’d learned this in time for Jurassic World to include a climactic dirt-scratching scene!”

    Rick Swanson Gaffer
  • “Weird. Trilobites always seemed more like the settling-down type to me.”

    Cora Schiff Prayer Copywriter

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