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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Silicone Breast Implants

An advisory panel to the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the 11-year ban on the sale of silicone breast implants be lifted. What do you think?
  • "There's absolutely nothing dangerous about silicone implants, unless they are inserted into a woman's body."

    Peter Bosniak Investment Banker
  • "The only options are sand- and water-based implants? What about air and fire implants?"

    Brian Berebbi Researcher
  • "Breast implants are a personal decision that should be left to the women—those poor, small-tattied women."

    Matthew Decoster Systems Analyst
  • "Why are you asking me if the ban on implants should be lifted? What are you implying? That my breasts are too small?"

    Michelle Magee Florist
  • "The ban should not only be lifted, but separated, as well."

    Wilma Hines Political Activist
  • "They have to lift the ban. Doctors are bound by the Hippocratic oath to do whatever they can to help people."

    Andy Rocco Line Cook
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