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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Singers Told Not To Bare Breasts, Buttocks At Grammys

Recording artists attending the 55th Grammy Awards on Sunday have been given a “wardrobe advisory” by broadcaster CBS, requiring them to ensure their wardrobes “adequately cover” their breasts and buttocks. What do you think?

  • “How about if we’re just watching the Grammys? Can we do it then?”

    Mae Ellingwood Nurse Anesthetist
  • “When they get up on stage, could they at least be allowed to describe what their boobs and butts might look like?”

    Andre Bueno Systems Analyst
  • “That’s right. The Grammys must be kept respectable.”

    Edwin Coker Bobbin Fixer

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