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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk

In a recent study, people who spent more than four leisure-time hours a day sitting in front of a TV or computer screen showed a 48 percent increased risk of death. What do you think?

  • "That's fine for rich people who can afford to hire someone to hold them up while they stand, but what are the rest of us supposed to do?"

    Linda Schneiderman Train Porter
  • "That explains the giant field hospital at last year's San Diego Comic-Con."

    Greg Bartek Systems Analyst
  • "Good thing I prefer watching my programs in an adult-sized bouncy harness."

    Julio Hernandez Camera Operator
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