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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack than those who ate breakfast every morning. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect. I love a good breakfast and I hate heart attacks.”

    Leonard Leblanc Feather Separator
  • “‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

    Monroe Demings Florist
  • “I quit reading Circulation after that total hatchet job on Raynaud’s Syndrome last summer.”

    Diane Chesse Highway Worker
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