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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack than those who ate breakfast every morning. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect. I love a good breakfast and I hate heart attacks.”

    Leonard Leblanc Feather Separator
  • “‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

    Monroe Demings Florist
  • “I quit reading Circulation after that total hatchet job on Raynaud’s Syndrome last summer.”

    Diane Chesse Highway Worker

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