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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack than those who ate breakfast every morning. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect. I love a good breakfast and I hate heart attacks.”

    Leonard Leblanc Feather Separator
  • “‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

    Monroe Demings Florist
  • “I quit reading Circulation after that total hatchet job on Raynaud’s Syndrome last summer.”

    Diane Chesse Highway Worker
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