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Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Skipping Breakfast Linked To Heart Attacks

According to a study appearing in the journal Circulation, older men who routinely skipped breakfast had a 27 percent higher risk of a heart attack than those who ate breakfast every morning. What do you think?

  • “That’s perfect. I love a good breakfast and I hate heart attacks.”

    Leonard Leblanc Feather Separator
  • “‘Linked to’? What does that even mean?”

    Monroe Demings Florist
  • “I quit reading Circulation after that total hatchet job on Raynaud’s Syndrome last summer.”

    Diane Chesse Highway Worker

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