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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sleep Improves With Age

A new study from the University of Pennsylvania concluded that sleep improves with age. What do you think?

  • “How about the time spent awake? At what point does that not suck shit?”

    Tyler Sorum Systems Analyst
  • “That’s convenient. Because I’ve got a jam-packed schedule till I’m 63.”

    Andrea Gill Box-Lining-Machine Feeder
  • “Wow, just like sex. That’s right, we’re all still having sex and it is very satisfying and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”

    Chuck Burston Table Hand

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