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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Sleeping Air Traffic Controllers Prompts FAA Action

After several recent cases of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job—including one incident that delayed the landing of a medical flight—the Federal Aviation Administration announced it was adding more overnight controllers at 27 towers. What do you think?

  • "An air traffic controller fell asleep at Ronald Reagan National Airport? I thought he fired all those lazy union bums."

    Diane May Systems Analyst
  • "It's a real Catch-22. If their job were more exciting, then they wouldn't fall asleep. But if they didn't fall asleep, then they wouldn't misdirect planes and make them crash. Catch-22."

    David Taylor Unemployed
  • "Lucky them. I can never sleep through a flight."

    Ward Deacon Salesman

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