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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Smallpox Destruction Delayed

The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus. What do you think?

  • "I can relate. It's like you should have put away the Christmas decorations by now, but they're just so pretty."

    Cody Toussaint Keying Machine Operator
  • "Shouldn't be a problem. That one really good, careful forklift driver doesn't retire until 2015."

    Louis Kador Unemployed
  • "As long as there remain pesky indigenous peoples who threaten the expansion of the European Protestant lifestyle, it's probably best to maintain a few vials and a stockpile of blankets."

    Carol Spellman Archivist

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