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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing

Department stores in London are testing out new high-tech mannequins capable of telling shoppers what merchandise they’re wearing by sending pictures of the clothing and prices to nearby cell phones, allowing people to shop without talking to actual salespeople. What do you think?

  • “I could’ve used that mannequin the other day when I couldn’t decide if I should buy that Angry Birds shirt.”

    Joe Deason Building Imploder
  • “That’s great! Ordinarily, you’d have to learn about what clothing a mannequin is wearing by looking at the sales rack right next to the mannequin.”

    Lynn Palladino Art Historian
  • “I prefer the human interaction of disappointing a flesh-and-blood salesperson who was counting on a commission.”

    Chris Feld Laptop Screen Repairer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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