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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing

Department stores in London are testing out new high-tech mannequins capable of telling shoppers what merchandise they’re wearing by sending pictures of the clothing and prices to nearby cell phones, allowing people to shop without talking to actual salespeople. What do you think?

  • “I could’ve used that mannequin the other day when I couldn’t decide if I should buy that Angry Birds shirt.”

    Joe Deason Building Imploder
  • “That’s great! Ordinarily, you’d have to learn about what clothing a mannequin is wearing by looking at the sales rack right next to the mannequin.”

    Lynn Palladino Art Historian
  • “I prefer the human interaction of disappointing a flesh-and-blood salesperson who was counting on a commission.”

    Chris Feld Laptop Screen Repairer
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