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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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‘Smart Mannequins’ Tell Shoppers About Clothes They’re Wearing

Department stores in London are testing out new high-tech mannequins capable of telling shoppers what merchandise they’re wearing by sending pictures of the clothing and prices to nearby cell phones, allowing people to shop without talking to actual salespeople. What do you think?

  • “I could’ve used that mannequin the other day when I couldn’t decide if I should buy that Angry Birds shirt.”

    Joe Deason Building Imploder
  • “That’s great! Ordinarily, you’d have to learn about what clothing a mannequin is wearing by looking at the sales rack right next to the mannequin.”

    Lynn Palladino Art Historian
  • “I prefer the human interaction of disappointing a flesh-and-blood salesperson who was counting on a commission.”

    Chris Feld Laptop Screen Repairer

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