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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Smarter Women Less Likely To Have Kids

According to new research, women who are more intelligent are less likely to want children, with researchers finding that a woman’s urge to have a baby diminished by 25 percent for every 15-point increase in her IQ. What do you think?

  • “As a strong, intelligent woman, I plan on getting pregnant tonight just to prove this offensive study wrong.”

    Starla Hurley Game Warden
  • “Eh, who needs their genetic advantage anyway?”

    Randy Fields Plasma Arc Welder
  • “I’ve never thought of my mother as a dimwit until now.”

    Seth Faustino Helicopter Dispatcher

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