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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children

Studies show that many children do not wake up for smoke alarms, a special concern over the holidays. What do you think?
  • "Kids are so spoiled. In my day, if we ignored the fire alarm, we burned to death!"

    Ted Hart Gift Wrapper
  • "My wife and I believe it's more dependable to stand on the lawn and scream 'My baby is still up there!'"

    Andy Toomin Carpet Layer
  • "That reminds me. I think the batteries for that thing are in the flashlight right now."

    Sally Carmichael Genealogist

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