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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Smokey The Bear Turns 65

The USDA Forest Service mascot Smokey Bear turned 65 earlier this month. What do you think?
  • "Since Smokey opened my eyes to fire safety years ago, I've learned a ton from just chatting with bears."

    Axel Hill Bailiff
  • "You'd think the idea of a large brown bear in jeans and a ranger hat would be very effective in reaching a demographic mainly composed of crazed arsonists and lightning strikes, but I have my doubts."

    Rose Johnson Therapist
  • "That irresponsible bear has led to our nation’s single-minded focus on preventing forest fires, when the real threats to American woodlands are the nefarious Sirex woodwasp, emerald ash borer, and hemlock wooly adelgid."

    Stephan Latta Unemployed
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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