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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Smoking Ads Ineffective

According to the American Journal of Public Health, children age 12-17 had stronger intentions to smoke more after viewing ads encouraging parents to talk to their children about smoking. What do you think?
  • “I'm appalled when I think back to all those heartfelt discussions I had with my kids about the cool fresh taste of Salem Menthol Lights.”

    Joel Meyer Gunsmith
  • “Interesting. After reading the findings of this study, I have a strong urge to ignore them.”

    Cathy Wegman Systems Analyst
  • “Any chance they’ll start airing PSAs where parents tell their kids not to date the 50-year-old guy who works the night shift at Stop & Shop?”

    Brian Plumber Cashier

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