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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Smoking And The Movies

The Clinton Administration recently took Hollywood to task for the rise in on-screen portrayals of smoking. What do you think about cigarettes and cinema?
  • "If people see characters smoking in movies, it's only a matter of time before we start to see people smoking in real life."

    Sharon Wayne Speech Pathologist
  • "I say, down with smoking, and up with gender- positive portrayals of anthropomorphic squirrels in animated musicals."

    Matt Reiderer Construction Worker
  • "I started smoking at age 13 after seeing my Uncle Abe's glamorous portrayal of smoking in my Bar Mitzvah video."

    David Pinsky Orthodontist
  • "Doesn't anyone know those are just prop cigarettes used in the movies?"

    Chet Billups Systems Analyst
  • "Hollywood needs a few more people like Kevin Costner, who in 1995's Waterworld took a rare, heroic stand against the evil Smokers."

    Adrienne Elson Guidance Counselor
  • "Movies need to stop entertaining and start educating."

    Paul Dougan Realtor

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