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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Smoking Rates Down

A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?

  • “Then doesn’t the law of supply and demand say I shouldn’t still be paying $7 for a goddamn pack of Camels?”

    Craig Mott
    Ticketer
  • "Now that you mention it, I have been receiving fewer invitations to cigarette parties."

    Randy Cribbins
    Lubrication-Machine Tender
  • "This seems pretty selfish of the ladies. How are we going to find the next husky-voiced temptress of stage and screen if we don’t have a robust pool to choose from?"

    Caitlin Duncan
    Unemployed

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