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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Smoking Rates Down

A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?

  • “Then doesn’t the law of supply and demand say I shouldn’t still be paying $7 for a goddamn pack of Camels?”

    Craig Mott Ticketer
  • "Now that you mention it, I have been receiving fewer invitations to cigarette parties."

    Randy Cribbins Lubrication-Machine Tender
  • "This seems pretty selfish of the ladies. How are we going to find the next husky-voiced temptress of stage and screen if we don’t have a robust pool to choose from?"

    Caitlin Duncan Unemployed
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