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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Smoking Rates Down

A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?

  • “Then doesn’t the law of supply and demand say I shouldn’t still be paying $7 for a goddamn pack of Camels?”

    Craig Mott Ticketer
  • "Now that you mention it, I have been receiving fewer invitations to cigarette parties."

    Randy Cribbins Lubrication-Machine Tender
  • "This seems pretty selfish of the ladies. How are we going to find the next husky-voiced temptress of stage and screen if we don’t have a robust pool to choose from?"

    Caitlin Duncan Unemployed

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