Smoking Rates Down

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Smoking Rates Down

A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?

  • “Then doesn’t the law of supply and demand say I shouldn’t still be paying $7 for a goddamn pack of Camels?”

    Craig Mott
    Ticketer
  • "Now that you mention it, I have been receiving fewer invitations to cigarette parties."

    Randy Cribbins
    Lubrication-Machine Tender
  • "This seems pretty selfish of the ladies. How are we going to find the next husky-voiced temptress of stage and screen if we don’t have a robust pool to choose from?"

    Caitlin Duncan
    Unemployed
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