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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. What do you think?

  • "Oh God, these cigarettes are terrible for me!"

    Mindy Brzinski Systems Analyst
  • "I guess it's only a matter of time before the FDA starts putting horrific pictures of morons on cigarette boxes."

    Frank Robinson Fugue Operator
  • "It's really sad that so many men who should be at their peak TV-watching years won't be able to figure out how to make the remote work."

    Melvin Wolfe Loom Repairman
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