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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. What do you think?

  • "Oh God, these cigarettes are terrible for me!"

    Mindy Brzinski Systems Analyst
  • "I guess it's only a matter of time before the FDA starts putting horrific pictures of morons on cigarette boxes."

    Frank Robinson Fugue Operator
  • "It's really sad that so many men who should be at their peak TV-watching years won't be able to figure out how to make the remote work."

    Melvin Wolfe Loom Repairman

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