Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

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Vol 48 Issue 06

16 and Present

MTV 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina's perfect attendance record.

The Dr. Oz Show

NBC 4 p.m. EST/3 a.m. CST Dr. Oz surprises everyone in the studio audience with free defibrillators.

Nonindigenous Larry Crosses State Lines

CINCINNATI—People in the greater Cincin­nati area reported multiple sightings of a non­indigenous Larry on Wednesday, leading officials from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources to conclude the outsider may have crossed state lines and t...
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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Energy

Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. What do you think?

  • "Oh God, these cigarettes are terrible for me!"

    Mindy Brzinski
    Systems Analyst
  • "I guess it's only a matter of time before the FDA starts putting horrific pictures of morons on cigarette boxes."

    Frank Robinson
    Fugue Operator
  • "It's really sad that so many men who should be at their peak TV-watching years won't be able to figure out how to make the remote work."

    Melvin Wolfe
    Loom Repairman
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