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Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.
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Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad stopped acting as his own attorney last week and rehired his lawyers. What do you think?
  • "This is the only way for the sniping, serial-killer wacko to receive a fair trial. I'm sorry, alleged sniping, serial-killer wacko."

    Samuel Riegel
    Systems Analyst
  • "His decision to represent himself might have proved as disastrously unwise as his decision to shoot all those people."

    Jeff Campbell
    Optometrist
  • "As long as he's found guilty, justice will have been served."

    Leslie Meisel
    Secretary
  • "I know where he's coming from. I tried to treat myself for colon cancer. But after a few months, I turned to a pro."

    Oliver Ralli
    Securities Agent
  • "It's wise to hire a lawyer. I defended myself in small-claims court against a carpet-cleaning business. Result: eight years in a maximum-security penitentiary."

    David McKeel
    Dishwasher
  • "He should've had a little fun representing himself in court, before he fries like a batter-dipped cod for what he did."

    Ellen Newell
    Audiologist

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