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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad stopped acting as his own attorney last week and rehired his lawyers. What do you think?
  • "This is the only way for the sniping, serial-killer wacko to receive a fair trial. I'm sorry, alleged sniping, serial-killer wacko."

    Samuel Riegel Systems Analyst
  • "His decision to represent himself might have proved as disastrously unwise as his decision to shoot all those people."

    Jeff Campbell Optometrist
  • "As long as he's found guilty, justice will have been served."

    Leslie Meisel Secretary
  • "I know where he's coming from. I tried to treat myself for colon cancer. But after a few months, I turned to a pro."

    Oliver Ralli Securities Agent
  • "It's wise to hire a lawyer. I defended myself in small-claims court against a carpet-cleaning business. Result: eight years in a maximum-security penitentiary."

    David McKeel Dishwasher
  • "He should've had a little fun representing himself in court, before he fries like a batter-dipped cod for what he did."

    Ellen Newell Audiologist

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