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Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad stopped acting as his own attorney last week and rehired his lawyers. What do you think?
  • "This is the only way for the sniping, serial-killer wacko to receive a fair trial. I'm sorry, alleged sniping, serial-killer wacko."

    Samuel Riegel Systems Analyst
  • "His decision to represent himself might have proved as disastrously unwise as his decision to shoot all those people."

    Jeff Campbell Optometrist
  • "As long as he's found guilty, justice will have been served."

    Leslie Meisel Secretary
  • "I know where he's coming from. I tried to treat myself for colon cancer. But after a few months, I turned to a pro."

    Oliver Ralli Securities Agent
  • "It's wise to hire a lawyer. I defended myself in small-claims court against a carpet-cleaning business. Result: eight years in a maximum-security penitentiary."

    David McKeel Dishwasher
  • "He should've had a little fun representing himself in court, before he fries like a batter-dipped cod for what he did."

    Ellen Newell Audiologist

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