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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sochi The Most Expensive Winter Olympics Ever

Analysts estimate the cost of the Sochi Winter Olympics to be $50 billion and counting, with soaring costs attributed in part to high-priced security, the erection of 11 new venues, and Putin awarding outsized construction contracts to his business buddies. What do you think?

  • “At least now everyone feels safe.”

    Doug Dooley Certified Residential Appraiser
  • “Well, they’re definitely going to have to go through with it now.”

    Raoul Menzies Photo Retoucher
  • “You can’t put a price on a child’s smile.”

    Krista Geddeis Retail Strategist

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