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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Social Media ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Raises Millions For Lou Gehrig’s Disease

Foundations supporting research for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, have received millions of dollars in donations thanks to a viral campaign called the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” in which participants post videos of themselves pouring buckets of ice water on their heads and challenging friends to do the same within 24 hours or else donate money. What do you think?

  • “I wish every time someone asked me to donate money I could just dump water on my head to get out of it.”

    Scott Bregman Aisle Checker
  • “So everyone’s having fun, but what about those suffering from the disease? Why isn’t anyone dumping water on their heads?”

    Malorie Egan Silverware Appraiser
  • “I just wish Lou Gehrig was alive to see and be utterly confused by this.”

    Henry Wortel Clay Sculptor

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