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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Social Media ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Raises Millions For Lou Gehrig’s Disease

Foundations supporting research for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, have received millions of dollars in donations thanks to a viral campaign called the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” in which participants post videos of themselves pouring buckets of ice water on their heads and challenging friends to do the same within 24 hours or else donate money. What do you think?

  • “I wish every time someone asked me to donate money I could just dump water on my head to get out of it.”

    Scott Bregman Aisle Checker
  • “So everyone’s having fun, but what about those suffering from the disease? Why isn’t anyone dumping water on their heads?”

    Malorie Egan Silverware Appraiser
  • “I just wish Lou Gehrig was alive to see and be utterly confused by this.”

    Henry Wortel Clay Sculptor
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