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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996

According to new data from the trade publication Beverage Digest, Americans purchased 9.17 billion cases of soda in 2012, the lowest level of sales since 1996. What do you think?

  • “If we keep comparing everything to 1996 we’ll never be happy.”

    Anita Deon Termite Exterminator
  • “No wonder we’re all so healthy and energetic.”

    Vince Sterling Fuse Assembler
  • “Don’t blame me. I’m still drinking a shitload of soda.”

    Todd Edelman Bicycle Inspector

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