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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Solar Plane Makes First Intercontinental Flight

Pilots flew the Solar Impulse, an experimental solar-powered two-person aircraft, on a two-leg journey from Switzerland to Morocco. What do you think?

  • “That seems pretty risky. What if Ra becomes displeased and blots out the sun?”

    Kelly Knight Systems Analyst
  • “Sure, it may be efficient to fly, but it'll take a lot of the available power for the speakers to make a satisfying roaring sound.”

    Abigail Humphreys Char Puller
  • “Harnessing energy from the sun is so short-sighted. It’s just going to blow up in a few trillion years anyway.”

    James Dale Scroll Assembler

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