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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Sony Loses $6.4 Billion

After writing down deferred tax credits, the Sony Corporation reported an annual net loss of $6.4 billion, double its initial projections and marking the fourth year in a row the company has lost money. What do you think?

  • "As soon as an electronics company invents a shower radio that can tune in 90.3, they'll get a sale out of me."

    Paul Finley Plastics Patternmaker
  • "Best Buy doesn't like it when you do this, but Sony should go down and sell some stuff half-price in their parking lot this Saturday. The manager says he'll call the cops, but never does."

    Alison Aviles Unemployed
  • "Oh, no! I hope they still have enough money left to refund these headphones I just shipped back. They were really shitty."

    Malcom Johnson Landscape Architect
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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